Blue Denim

Strange day…
I have travelled 3000 miles
Her hand to hold
Warm in my own
as I remember, always
To sit awhile
To pray…
While she slumbers,
Dreams unnatural dreams
And wakes to find the world has changed…
For want of better.
And I will sit…
Here
Silent in my prayers
For however long it takes…
Forever
And blue denim I will wear for you.

~ Rhiannon Dacosta, May 15, 2001

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

~ Rumi ~

Would you finally pick up that journal and take the time to truly reflect? Would you find ways to increase your happiness in everyday life? Would you take a step back and participate in something that makes you feel refreshed and fulfilled? Would you take that leap into creating a healthy body, mind, and spirit?

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I encourage you to take that leap and check out the opportunities!

What’s stopping me?

Is the over all topic not enough FUN for me to keep pushing, keep digging in deeper to find what else there is to say (like the one I did on Cancer – Team Signy, it just kept on giving topic ideas all over the place – hot, frothy topic ideas)? It is such a wide open field, that just seems crazy.

Well maybe it is because I am short on time. But everyone is short on time. It seems like just an excuse. I could do the age old trick of giving myself 15 minutes on the clock and seeing what I come up with, and just plain old post it, whatever it is. This is after all – Signy Unleashed, it doesn’t need to be perfect, or always inspiring or whatever my saboteur makes up.

And yet there is something in there. The perfectionist, the wanting it to be just right, to have enough value or why bother. My random ramblings can’t have value in and of themselves. My free form expression, surely, can’t be enough. But what if who I am, just as I am, and what I have to say, just as it is – what if that is enough? What if I don’t need to be different from how I am? What if I can just breathe deeply, trust, allow and follow my own impulse – write what I feel and be ok with it. Be ok with me.

How would that change my day? My life?

Acceptance.

Doesn’t it have a ring to it? A kind of peaceful , albeit elusive, quality.

How would it change the world – if we all trusted ourselves more, if we all liked ourselves just the way we were? And if we could extend the same to those around us (although let’s be honest – I think there is a way where giving it to ourselves is the hardest thing, yes?). If we stopped trying to change ourselves and others (changing ourselves is of course different from continuing to evolve, naturally)? And just enjoyed what is, right now, present moment. Just the thought of it brings a deep exhale to my throat. I kind of softening. A gentle quality.

And if I nurtured that gentle quality – if I whispered sweet nothings into it’s ear and promised to love it always and forever… to never forsake it. And If I upheld my end of the bargain…

How would my life be different?

That is not to say I haven’t done it, in my youth, and in some relationships and in some jobs. Sold out the true expression of who I am to fit in, or belong, or be loved… or something. And it sort of works, for a while, but then I start to bust out, to break free, gosh darn it… to be myself again.

And that is not to say that compromising is not necessary in interacting with people. I don’t expect that I get to just be all of me, all the time with no restrictions or editing or limits – to bad really, wouldn’t we all enjoy our own version of that, but as I watch my godchildren be socialized and learn how to play nice with other – I realize that I do know the value of compromising, of working with people to find the middle ground that let’s both of us win. And it takes having that end-goal in mind, that bigger picture and respect for the “third entity” of the relationship or team.

So where is the line? When am I in fact giving up too much me, and when am I holding too firm, being so ridged that I break relationships? And is that line different for different people?

I think the key is to find a place – a job, a relationship, friendships – where I am me easily, so that I don’t need to change, but neither does the other. From a work perspective that is really what is behind the Strengths theory – to do what you do well, not try to change where things are not natural for you. And in terms of relationships, to find the friendships and the partnerships where the natural connection and inherent synergy of the people is what creates the foundation of the union. That way there is always something to fall back on in rough times.

And I see that I have that, the friendships that really last, that seem to be standing the test of time, I am myself in them. The jobs that were the most fun, where I stayed the longest – yes, it’s true, I got to me myself. Not just “got to”, was encouraged to do so, was valued for who I was and what I brought.

Seems so simple. So what leads us away from that? As I said before, that desire to impress, the desire to please, the desire to be loved and appreciated. But if I twist myself into a pretzel and then get loved for being in that new shape, are they really loving me? Seeing me? Valuing me? No – they are loving what they wanted, what we changed ourselves into. And that is where I get agitated, hot under the collar. It is why I fight, and keep fighting, to be myself, even if it costs me a few jobs or a few friends or a few partnerships – because the one thing I really, really can’t replace is me. And so my relationship with me – well it is the most important one. The goal for me needs to be a 10/10 relationship with myself, because without that I can’t have a 10/10 relationship with anyone else. Easy to say, hard to create, but that is where I am pointing my toes over this next little while.

And how about you?

What is your next step to a 10/10 relationship with yourself?

It is not really working.

The other day, fueled by my love of Goddesses, and recent inspiration to come home with gifts reflecting that view – I decided I wanted to find a figurine of the Hawaiian fire Goddess Pele. She represents awakening and coming alive and passion. That sort of yummy (in my books) stuff. I pre-supposed that it would be easy. I’m in Hawaii. She is kind of their best known Hawaiian Goddess. No brainer, right. Wrong. Dead wrong.

I started my search on the internet – where can I go in Maui to buy the Goddess Pele? Not only did I first get sent to the soccer player Pele, but even after that disheartening moment, all I got was eBay. EBAY!?!?! And even that section was a bit dicey (not that there were any toast Goddess Peles, but still).

So I changed it up – where can I go to FIND the Goddess Pele? At least now I get a few images, pictures. A volcano or two. A bit more information.

But here is the thing, I really do want a figurine, a statuette, and 3-D image of her – like you can get of Ganesh, and Shakti-Shiva. Carved in wood, or a metal casting. Something you can hold in your hands, can feel the weight of, and touch. And so I set out, on foot, in search of Pele (hmm, there’s is a title of a book in that, but for now let’s keep this focused).

So I push – figurine, figurine, figurine and Pele into the search bar. I look under images. Anything, everything in my desperate attempt. What do I get, the washed out, benign smile plastered on her face, half naked hula gal. THIS????!! This is meant to be somebody’s version of Pele – the powerful Goddess of awakening!??!? Ugh. The search must be expanded!

Now I am staying in Makawao – so there is not a lot of ground to cover. But still I commit to scour every inch of the place, go into every likely looking place. No store unturned so to speak. Around about 3/4s of the way through all the shops, getting discouraged (not to mention rather hot – which does nothing to improve my disposition, even on a good day – you know, a supposed relaxing day), I decide I need to ask for help (and yes that is something I could have done sooner, never mind – besides that is not what this story is about, oh Best Beloved). So while I am in store proudly displaying Ganesh, and a Buddha or two not to mention… yes, you know it… Kwan Bloody Yin (see my post of Bast why that gets under my skin) – strike up a conversation with the owner/shop gal.

“Yeah, you don’t really find a lot of those. Not that popular item.”

Me – “Why on earth not, she is a local goddess, she is powerful and beautiful. What’s not to love?”

Her – “Uhhh, well, that fire thing, you know. And she is a bit unpredictable, sometimes she is beautiful, but sometimes she is a bit, well, dangerous.”

Me (under my breath) – “Right, that. Not really an acceptable feminine trait, I suppose.”

I don’t quite storm out of there, but I do feel my ire rising. I cruise through the rest of the few shops in Makawao – a bit hopeful, a bit frustrated, and a bit despondent. By the time I have made it through all the stores, the frustration has won out. I am irritated, and yes, a bit volcanic in my annoyance. It could be said a bit unpredictable, a bit dangerous.

What is so freaking wrong with power, and passion, with anger and spontaneity. With awakening and aliveness. And yes, even with “a little bit dangerous” – I say that keeps us all on our toes and a life where we are lulled to sleep, with no stimulation, well that is no life at all. So I say BRING HER ON!!!

In their effort to avoid the fire of Pele, they have invoked the Pele in me. You can avoid that sort of stuff (natural reactions like frustrated, passionate, aliveness) by just pretending it isn’t there. In my experience that just fans the flames of the lava flowing underground – it just heats it up further and forces an explosion instead of a moderate, reasonable expression of it.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

When will we ever learn to accept and appreciate the Goddess (and the feminine) in all her many forms?
And a more important and personal question – what part of Pele are you denying, avoiding, hiding – and how would it change your life if you expressed it/Her?

And each moment it fresh. It changes constantly, and new information changes the old information, and changes the changes. It is very fluid. Very feminine in fact. And requires both trust, as I have already mentioned, but also surrender.

It is the feminine part that draws me (that and the fact that I simply can’t keep doing it the way I am doing it right now – all forcing, and deciding what is next but overriding my heart’s yearning). That place of allowing and being ok with the spontaneity of it all, and the unknown. While I have always loved the goddess I haven’t always been able to do her justice, to represent her well here on the planet. I try. But even trying is a bit on the masculine side of the house. So as I shift to a more mature me – there seems to be more room for this.

But that said, this ruling my world by “What do I want to do next?”, it seems a bit anti-social to me, something I have to do when I am alone because I don’t want to take others through the ebb and flow of my changing desires. And yet I don’t want to just do this when I am alone, or be always alone so that I can do this. Seems a bit convoluted as I write this, but that is exactly what is happening inside my head, convolution.

So what is the outcome, you might ask? Where does this all lead? Does it really work, or just make your life crazy?

Well mostly what happens is that when I do enough of what I want, the well gets filled up and then I have the energy and excitement and commitment to do some of those things that I know I “need” to do, but they don’t feel quite like obligations any more. Because I am more resourced. So I get them done more joyfully. And that is a miracle. In fact, the trend that I sometimes have of putting things that are exciting and fun for me to do on a list, and then doing the things on that list that are first while the fun things lose their spark, their shininess, and frankly their fun. Well this is the opposite of that. It is putting the excitement back into life.

And surely there is more to learn about this. Does it work in all situations? How do I do that during a work day? How can it be done with others around who also have their own “what do THEY want to do next?” moment?

That is all still to be explored. I will keep you posted (literally). And maybe you can join me in the experiment and keep me posted too!!

TIME TO PLAY!!

She started by walking all over me, sort of as a warm up, then moved to pouncing on anything that sticks up or out. And finally the claws came out. As if I was one very large mouse. To be toyed with.

Morning time is especially intense, but she is like this all the time – well, except when she is sleeping, which is often, but it is one or the other, an on-off switch. She deals in the currency of play. And not just that she wants to play and be played with, but actually that everything is play. Everything is a game. Getting me to let her out – a game (one that she sometimes wins and sometimes doesn’t), getting me to give her special food treats – a game, getting me to chase her around the house with my “claws” drawn – a game.

I have a lot to learn from this little creature – who knows her mind and her moods and allows them full rein. Who let’s life be fun and playful. Who doesn’t really care what anyone thinks (except when she falls off the TV). Who is mischievous by nature, daring everyone in her sphere to live life to the fullest.

No mistakes that the Egyptians worshiped them. They could see the divinity right there in their faces, their regal stances, their devil may care attitude. They named their cat Goddess “Bast” (typical half cat, half woman Goddess). She is in charge of play, and fun, spontaneity and full self expression. She invites us to experience everything in our life as joyous, no matter what is actually happening. She is a stand for seeing life as a game, and demanding that the chase the mice in our lives with gusto and passion. She is delightful and delighted. She is Bast.

And I am Bast. Of all the many goddesses to choose from I notice that the world seems to love the Kwan Yins, the soft and gentle and serene version of the divine feminine. The one who probably doesn’t raise her voice. The one who is kind and serves and certainly doesn’t chase things around and laugh uproariously and demands attention and being centre stage by rolling around on her back and yawning, legs outstretched in every direction. But this is me. This is how I love interacting with the world. This my best self (and yes there are a few other Goddesses that capture my essence too, but for now I am exploring BAST – playful, fun-loving, mischievous Bast) and it is time for me to love her and claim her and live her fully…. Oh, I gotta go, I think I see a mouse!

But before I do, here is a question for you: Who is the Goddess who best represents your natural and essential energy? And what can you do to explore and express her more fully?

Without further ado -

The Journey

By Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice-
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
but little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do
determined to save
the only life you could save

from “Dreamwork” in New and Selected Poems. Beacon Press, Boston , 1992