There are days, after a long (or even very long) week of work that when I am finally done with the hustle and bustle and busy and overwhelmed that instead of collapsing into a beautiful fallow period of space with gratitude I feel achingly lonely. Lonely to the point of all I want to do is call a dozen people and see what they are up to, so that I can hang with them and not have to feel that feeling. Lonely. I even feel a bit ashamed as I write it. Feeling lonely must mean I am alone, being alone must mean that I am unworthy of having someone around me. It stops me in my tracks.
It is a sneaky insidious place for me, this lonely ache, because calling a bunch of people, and it is not like I don’t have a lot to choose from, and doing anything with anyone does not relieve the feeling. Sometimes it just makes it worse. And why might that be, you ask (or at least the coach in me hopes that you ask)?
Because that is not what I am lonely for.
It is not about just anybody.
It is not just about being around people (although it does result in a deceptive temporary curtailing of the feeling).
I am aching to come back to myself. I am aching to connect, not with anybody, but with my god self. With God.
And that doesn’t happen when I am busy, or moving fast, or in a crowd. That happens when I have space, and time to just be, to slow down enough, to hear the still small voice that asks me to do self-care, that asks me to look inside for what I really need to fill me up, so I feel whole. What I need to feel whole is to feel holy. And what I need to feel Holy is time with my own good self, my soul, my heart, my truth.
Problem is that there is a transition time. A little bump in the road before I slow down enough and leave the crazy busy space that fills my head with lies. Like the lie that says I need to stay busy, and the lie that come from comparing myself to other and thinking that I am less than, and the lie that says I need to be around people, and the lie that says I am lonely. Well lonely for other people, to DO things with. I am lonely, but a good kind of lonely. I am lonely for me, my best me.
So really, contrary to what seems to make sense, loneliness is my friend. When I feel that feeling, it is really a signal to turn in and look (to what I really need). It is showing me what is important in this moment, and showing me to slow down, and showing me that everything I need is inside me.
I have recently been told that loneliness is a part of my journey in this life time. And so better to make peace with it, better to come to know and love it like the friend it is, as Rumi’s poem the Guesthouse suggests. So that in really embracing it I can learn from it and even come to that place where I enjoy and appreciate it, knowing the gift it brings me.
What unexpected gifts are you being given? And what will you need to change so as to really appreciate them?