Here I am, more than half way through August. What went wrong?
I started out the month so strong, completely committed to my path, clear focus, and with fierce follow through. Lots of prayer, meditation, meetings, absolute focus on my Higher Power, and saying what needed to be said. Not holding back, in fact using the desire to hold back as the indicator to speak up. It was working well, I was on a roll, in fact I was on fire. And we all know how much I love fire.
And now, a few weeks in, I have fallen off the beam. And I mean really fallen, like Olympic sized – oops that cost her the Gold Medal kind of falling (well at least in my mind, but I do have exceptionally high standards). I slipped into the “having it all together” Signy, instead of the full exposure of “the naked coach”, if you will (don’t read too much into that, unless you want to).
Let me tell you when you fall from grace (and it does feel like it was just that, I fell away from my connection to my HP, all the things that keep me serene and focused on myself), the standing up again thing… it is messy. For me, it is like all those things that I managed to avoid feeling over the last few (in this case) days, they all get in cahoots with each other and ambush me. And tackle me to the ground. A tsunami of feelings. All at once. Ouch. Resulting in a big, humble dose of Begging for Mercy. Let’s just sum it all up by saying that yesterday was a bit U-G-L-Y!! In fact it was an awful day. I wept for most of it. I was raw, and in pain, and sunk to my knees with the awareness that I had betrayed myself again (did I mention I have unreasonably high standards for myself?). Deeply in pain that I had strayed from my serenity, my Goddess, and my acceptance of what is. It was a kind of torturous hell, but also a redemption. It hurt. But it was good. Because I know that this feeling precedes growth, change, and healing. I had a number of blessed angels show up in my day to guide me through my process. Bless you – you know who you are!
You see, this is not a tick box, this being authentic. I don’t do it once and thereby get it over with (like say getting a degree – done, accomplished, on to the next things). No, no – this needs to be a daily practice. DAILY. PRACTICE. As in every day. As in I don’t ever get to get it perfect and graduate on to the next thing. Damn it – I kind of hate that. I also kind of love it. But today I hate it. And yesterday I REALLY hated it.
Being vulnerable isn’t fun. Except when it is. Which is after I have done it, and I feel so proud of myself and “pumpy” (new word for me). Excited that I did the scary thing. And looking forward to the next time around, knowing I can and will stretch myself even more. And knowing that with each expression of it I expand my range, and what is possible for me.
So why on earth would I shut that down? I mean really, it is a great natural high. How much better is that than coffee to get me through the day?
Well here is what happened… and I am sure there is a pattern in there, for me to learn from…
On Wednesday of last week I didn’t speak a truth. I felt the urge. Knew it needed to be done. And I over-rode it. Chose not to, for “good reason”. Those reasons being:
- we were in a group setting
- didn’t want to drag everyone into it
- it was going to eat up time
- and the most significant reason: I am a little afraid of this person’s reactions (I know, that seems weird coming from me).
Withholding one thing set a precedent. And so there were a few more holding back a specific thing this last week too. Until that habit is back. Sigh.
In that time I also went to Toronto to lead a workshop. Here is the funny thing about that: in some ways I get to be my best self during those. Exposed. Real. Visible. And I get completely accepted for it, for the most part. Even applauded for it. And yet somewhere in the back of my mind, I am always aware that there is a job to be done, another task I am doing, besides just being the Tag Team client (or whatever). I still need to land the learning, still need to dance with my co-leader, all of it. I can’t (or don’t) usually let my guard down 100%. I am still responsible for impact.
BTW – Toronto Balance – in case you are wondering about my homework… what I learned. Here is the truth, I fell down on that too. The fear won out. The desire to Fit In won over the real need to Belong. I continue to struggle to see it as a sacred gift. And maybe in my enthusiasm I bit off too big of a task and that scared me too. So I did none of it. I guess the renegotiation could be that I just do a few of those things: the eyes, the smile. And risk the discomfort of that, and spend time noticing what feelings it brings up for me, not just soldiering on through it. I suspect there is a deeper exploration what needs to happen here, maybe a perfect topic for Process… but for now this counter offer.
So here is the truth of it: I am performing (feels a bit edgy to say that). Not as in faking it, not that kind of performing. But I am doing two (or more) things simultaneously. And not just tasks, but essences. It is like a master version of multi-tasking. And when I am doing that, holding so many balls in the air, performing, it squeezes out the room for pure vulnerability (does that mean vulnerability comes in layers?), raw vulnerability, absolute exposure. And then I get on that path. Lulled back to my sense of comfort with complacency. It is easier, but not what I want. Not today.
Wow, that really was hard to write. Even as I say it I can feel the part of me that thinks I am supposed to have it all together, to be a good example and role model. And to do that I can’t write this – and yet, to do that I MUST write this. Because it is an act of choosing to be back in. And that is my best hope of staying on this path. The path that leads back to me, my own truth and my heart. So choose that I will. Over and over again.
What are you going to choose to be committed to today? What would make your life better, even though it is hard? What are you willing to do to have that growth and healing?