Sept 6, 2001 was the day of my last round (god willing forever) of chemotherapy. It was a good day, and a hard day. By this time I was completely bald, exhausted, unable to sleep or eat. They had told me that chemotherapy was cumulative. I didn’t really understand what they meant. I mean I understood it, but I didn’t get it, how it would feel, what it would really be like in my body. And I am such a body person, that is where it really comes home for me.
So anyway, they were right, and it was hard.
When I had gone in for my blood work the day before, to see where my counts were, to evaluate if I would be able to take a full dose – they offered me the choice… 80% dose on the anticipated day, or 100% dose a few days later. It took me so much effort to mentally wrap my brain around having the needle work to do the chemo, and I had everything in place for the pre-scheduled day, that I said go with 80% now. Of course my brain was so hopped up on the drugs, who knows how I was making any kinds of decisions. But I made it: get it over with, be done.
I had Christie Wilks as my nurse. She was a solid nurse, able to get the job done, distantly caring. Eleonore Hamm and Kathleen Symons took me (I never did much of anything alone during cancer):
- I was stoned on Xanax, because that was the only way I could face it.
- I got healing touch ahead of time.
- I brought snacks, set up my altar, and we all prayed together – like we did every time.
- I pictured the chemotherapy being as much god as anything and everything else – and so I was just mainlining god, taking her straight into my body, where she could do what needed to be done.
It was a long round of chemo, and a long day. And I got through it, just like every other day – one step and one moment at a time.
After, I wanted to be celebrating – shouting from the roof tops “I am done with Chemotherapy”, but I couldn’t move, weary to the bone, malnourished (from both not eating that much, unable to stomach it, and then what I did get in not staying there very long), and under-slept. It didn’t feel like a celebration, or a victory. Just felt like one more day I got through. In the slow uphill fight against cancer.
These days when I talk about cancer I am buoyant, defiant and a bit mouthy. It is an easier stand after it is all over. 11 years after it is over. But in the days when I didn’t know for sure who would be the victor there was fear and sadness and a constant nagging concern. Which I often masked to try to help others feel better, safer, less scared themselves. Now, with enough distance, I can look back and admit my own fear, and my own heartbreak, and my own deep vulnerability, and not shy away.
And I know that with most of my posts I like to end with the up, the happy part of the story, or at least the lesson. Not sure what it might be here… maybe… even with a victory, with every victory, there is a loss. Cancer had me lose my sense of safety in the world. It reminded me how fragile life is, and through that how precious. And I guess that is a part of what gives me such fire in my life (not that I was lacking fire before, but not fire with focus like this) to live it fully and squeeze every damn last ounce out of it. And that is a lesson worth getting. So for today… 11 years later, that is what I am grateful for. That and being alive.
What are you grateful for?
Rock on down sista…I love your honesty, openness and yes…your vulnerability about what must have been an incredibly difficult time. You truly are an inspiration and loved by so so many!!!
Cheers big ears!!!
xo L
Bonjour Signy,
I accompanied several people who have had cancer. For years as a coordinator for a cancer foundation (look good feel better), I had the privilege of being very present at this time and gave my time, my support and love to many persons with cancer. With my best friend, Loulou, who was onlyhaving 5% of chance to survive, and still fully alive after many treatments, I learned courage, patience, tenacity, passion, love. With my Mom, who lost her leukemia battle 16 years ago, I’ve learned to live every second of my life with passion and love in my heart. Every moment is precious … life is a gift.
Thank you Signy to share! xoxoxo
Hi Signy
I’m not one to read blogs…..don’t know why….probably because in my own head there is a non-stop blog on play. However I did chooses to read your blog and I want to honor you by saying what a privelage it is to have your life cross paths with my life and how grateful I am that we both still have our feet planted firmly hear on this glorious earth. Thank you for fighting the fight and then sharing your intimate moments. I rejoice in your spirit!! *Clink!* (sound of celebratory champagn glasses!)
Wow, Ladies, I am so touched and moved and inspired by your responses. Thanks for chiming in and reminding me again of how precious this life is!!
XOX
S
Hi Signy, Thanks for sharing your story of both how the reality was 11 years ago and how it is today. I’m always encouraged to hear stories of survival because when I was growing up that was less the case. However, my mom was a breast cancer survior and as her l5 year-old-daughter at the time I was very grateful that I got to have my mom around for many years after her surgery and treatment. This spring/summer my sister just finished chemo and radiation for breast cancer and is still taking hercepton. I am very grateful that treatment and survival rates are so much better.
I write a gratitude journal every night and I am grateful today for your story, my own good health, where I live, my sanctuary that is my home, my love and family. Hugs, Alanna
Alanna, thanks for this!!
XO
S
Hi Signy. I had no idea that you have battled cancer and conquered it!
I was diagnosed with two forms of blood cancer in February of this year and am currently going through treatment. I can so totally relate to your story about chemotherapy.
I starred a blog which chronicles my journey. If you get a chance, check it out at:
http://Www.i-will-survive.org
Much love, Munita
Munita,
Good for you! Looks like you are dealing with it head on (one of my success factors!!) and sharing and asking for the help you need. You are sure creating the right environment for you to survive!
Thanks for sharing it with us.
XOX
S