First thing I am noticing, during my little “No” experiment… not all nos are created equal. Or maybe more to the point, not all expressions of desire/requests are the same. They carry different weight, depending on a number of things. And in fact there are certain themes in what holds me back from expressing a desire or making a request.
If I want something really badly, if I am aching for it to happen… well, you guessed it, even if I can manage to ask it with a tone that SOUNDS neutral, it just isn’t. My attachment is apparent, somehow. And since it is not requested freely, since there isn’t actually much room for “no”, even if the no is completely legitimate, it impacts me. I get irritable, or sad, or whatever. I interpret why there is a no. I make meaning of the no. Long and short of it – it gets all messy inside my head, and I usually need someone to go in there and pull me out. Not fun for them or me, and especially not fun for the (relatively) innocent bystander who received the request. The core fear behind this is that I am don’t want to get rejected, because it just means so darn much to me. Which, obviously, is a set up.
Sorry to you if you have ever been in that line of fire.
Another sort of No experience is when I am not truly clear what I am asking for. I have the general feeling, but it is through the conversation that I get clear – and that can create confusion and tension and a bit of WTF for the other person. They don’t know what they are saying yes or no to – so they go with the safe response – of No. It is way more powerful to get that clarity ahead of time, with neutral 3rd parties, who really don’t care about the details all the much. Maybe this is what, back in the day, stitch and bitch parties were about, a chance to get together with the gals and get some clarity.
Related to that, but the other side of the coin, is when I don’t express what is in my mind because I figure it is not clear enough, I fear I won’t say it right, I judge that the timing is wrong. So I hold back. Don’t say it, then the request gets outdated (as in old and stale) which creates a catch 22 as I then judge even more that this is not the right time to say it. Bottom line of this, the icky, smelly truth – is I am not holding that person as naturally creative, resourceful and whole. I am protecting them, caretaking them. How disrespectful is that? Sigh.
Last significant one for me – is when I think that I am asking too much. That I am a burden by my asking. Problem with this hold back is that I am not letting people be of service. I create myself as too self-sufficient and then there is no way to get in and no way to love me. Problem is I get caught in this before I can even get the request out, it is that automatic and that much of a habit. Been doing it since I was very, very young.
So yes, you guessed it, these are all different manifestations of the same saboteur… sneaking into my life asking me to play small and keep the status quo and not allow my fullest, most magnificent expression of the divine feminine to emerge. Well that has gotta stop… so stay tuned.
And let me know what has you hold back the expressions of your desire? Because I think we can all learn from each other here.
BTW – in case anyone is counting… I am up to, drum roll please… 8 of them. And counting.
Yayyy!