This weekend, while teaching a coach training program in Calgary, I got tag team coached by the participants. Getting coached in front of the room is always powerful. It needs to be real, and yet it also needs to be big. And it has to be especially so for this course, the last in the series. So I have to dip into what is current in my life, where I am struggling, really struggling, and focus on something that, if coached effectively could result in a powerful breakthrough for me.
Yikes, what was I getting myself into.
So I coached on a topic that is not just important to me, and dear to my heart, but also vulnerable and significant. It highlighted a number of things for me – where I am holding back in my life, how I try to keep my vulnerability at bay, and what it is costing me. Where it all intersected – and therefore where the homework got focused – is to risk rejection, in fact to find the way to transmute the fear of rejection and even the experience of it, by making it a game.
I will be vulnerably making requests, expressing desires and longings, and speaking my unedited truth as much as possible. And the way it becomes a game? I need to gather 50 No’s. 50 of them. Which isn’t going to be quick, or easy. There will be vulnerable on top of vulnerable to get this done – but imagine what it will be like to experience the power of the win-win. If I get a yes to my request – well YAY, how great is that. And if I get a no to my request – just as good, because now I have one more in my count of No’s. One step closer to my goal. I love games like that, with how they change the playing field.
And me, being me, I have already gotten my first NO. And yes, it smarts (mostly because I make it have meaning, I make up a story about it), but once I get anesthetized to it, imagine how my life will be different – I will be not just comfortable with NO, but someone who can celebrate it. Now that will be life changing…
The thing that comes to my mind right now is the many quotes you see of those successful people who were turned down or failed time and again. We see these quotes and think ‘yeah, i’m totally going to risk more! Bring it on rejection!”. But how often do we really follow through? This is awesome! Cause it means you really have to live and live honestly, honoring your true self, desires and all! I can’t wait to see what doors will be blasted open both inwardly an outwardly through this courageous exercise. And I love that it’s a game!! Cause frig! Life should be fun! Maybe i should step up to the plate and see if I can get 50 before you ;p
Nicole – LOVE IT, love you, you rock!! And yes, maybe you should see if you can beat me to the punch. Although what has happened is that I have been making request left, right and centre since then – from a vulnerable place and been getting lots of YESes. Kind of defeats the purpose I guess, but I do like a yes. So maybe my real growth will be about the “coming from my vulnerability”. More to discover. Stay tuned!!
What’s in the “50 No” Challenge is getting in touch with what you’re afraid of and testing yourself with how many of those boundaries you can step over and really find out what the response, reaction and personal experience turns out to be. Not just what’s in your head or your story about what you thought would happen but really find out. Making a game out of the challenge creates the opportunity for playfulness not just seriousness and create a better space for more learning and growth. I know I’ll be thinking about all my edges differently now with this image of a game and a challenge being front and centre.
Ben, thanks for recalling the details (sometimes when I am being coached it can blur a bit). And am I ever getting in touch with what I am afraid of. See today’s post. I have isolated by top 4 fears (although didn’t really write about them in that way).
Hey Everyone, just an update, I am up to 21 NOs. And it occurs to me that while I have learned a lot from this, it has gotten a bit stale for me now. I am thinking I might need to re-design my homework, or come up with new homework, to keep the learning meaningful and impactful. I will keep you updated (probably a new post with the new homework – although I am about to lead a Process course and if they coach me in the front of the room, there might be new fresh homework from that). Thanks for all of your support on this!!
Long time no talk, Signey! I saw your birthday email and was checking out your website. You are soooo out of control!!! I LIKEE! Cool game – I’ll try it out … will see how long it takes me to get the 50 NOs.
But why would anyone ever say no to you Cristian!?! Let me know how the experiment goes and what you learn from it.
XO
No quite the same homework, but similar….
Albert Ellis once did an experiment. You can read about it at
http://www.psychotherapy.net/interview/albert-ellis-rebt#section-early-attempts-at-dating-and-the-genesis-of-rebt
Basically he was shy, afraid of talking to women so he made some homework up to everyday to talk to women sitting on a park bench.
He tried talking to 130 in one month. 30 got up and walked away, 100 he managed to talk to. He got one date out of those 100 and she didn’t show up. But he got better at it and got a few dates out of the next hundred.