Ok, just got some painful feedback, not that receiving it was painful, but the truth of it is painful.
This related to my last post.
I don’t want enough, either often enough or grandly enough. Or maybe “desire” is a better word. But either way I don’t put myself out enough, don’t ask for what is in my heart enough. Somewhere along the road I decided that wanting less would make me more desirable. Would make me easier (because let’s face it, I wasn’t that easy in my youth). It is one of the ways that I play small and try to chop off my toes and my heels to fit into the Cinderella shoes.
IT WAS A LIE!!! And worse than that… it was a lie that I told myself.
In my youth I was DEMANDING, super demanding, I clearly (and loudly) articulated what was happening for me, what I was feeling, what wasn’t working for me, what I needed (maybe that wasn’t so clear – in my passion and emotion I might not have expressed it all the cleanly, but express I did). Not so much anymore. Not at all even.
In certain settings I am still this demanding:
- My birthday for instance – I let people know what their role is in my day.
- When I coach, and teach coach training – I am a STAND, nay, a demand for people being their best selves.
- And when I had cancer, I didn’t hold back. I was super clear about my needs.
But in the rest of my life I try to be “low maintenance”. And for the sake of what, I ask myself now?
And as I feel the irritation and self-criticism explode across my brain, I can only hope that it will serve as fuel for doing it a different way. Being UNREASONABLE. Saying what is true for me, sharing what is in my heart and getting on with being real about what is on the inside.
I could probably reflect indefinitely as to how my “wanter” got turned off. Analyze, consider. But I am guessing that that is some of how it got switched off. Listening to my head more than my heart and my gut. It doesn’t need more consideration, it needs more action. More trying something different. More practicing a new (or maybe old) way, making a different choice, daily. In everything I do, with everyone, everywhere. It needs re-programing.
It is time to let myself want more, and ask for more, and be a stand for myself, and be invested in my life and my desires, and be willing to enroll people in all of that.
And as I write this, the Three A’s come to my mind… Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Before action needs to come acceptance (clearly I already have the awareness piece down, in spades right now, to the point of being itchy and irritable). I need to find some acceptance of my circumstance – I am here, this is the cost, this will be the ongoing cost if I don’t allow this to be changed in my life. And from there… action, powerful action to change my own trajectory. But powerful action coupled with divine guidance. It is not about forcing my will. It is about trusting the unfolding process and STILL asking for what is important to me, asking for my needs to be met, not putting myself second just because it is easier.
Where are you “making do” in your life?
What are you going to do about it?