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O k, I have at least 7 half written blog posts. Almost ready to go, just needs the extra words, the extra time, the extra push. What gives? What is holding me back? Me, who likes writing. Me, who loves an audience and creating for an audience. I don’t get it!
What’s stopping me?
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I have this thing. An unexamined (until now that is) belief that to have “we”, as in relationship of any form, I need to give up “me”, both my independence but also my self expression, my Signy-ness. Not surprisingly, given my nature, which leaks out even in the title of my blog (Unleashed), I am not really all about giving up the “me”.
That is not to say I haven’t done it, in my youth, and in some relationships and in some jobs. Sold out the true expression of who I am to fit in, or belong, or be loved… or something. And it sort of works, for a while, but then I start to bust out, to break free, gosh darn it… to be myself again.
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D uring my time away on vacation I had planned to blog my heart out, to capture exciting morsels and post them. Who knew that there were places in the world that still don’t have easy access internet (and some of you might say Thank God). Well, Sandbanks National Park is one of those. So I will just have to hold it all in until I get home, which hopefully will be sooner than any of us expect.
T his is a magic question. What do I feel like doing next? As is “what do I feel like saying next?”. The power is in the not knowing what will come from it. I can’t plan it, the outcome, or control it. It is beyond me. Bigger than me. When I get into the zone of this, this question then wait for the answer, then do what I am feeling called to do (or say), then a higher intelligence kicks in. I can trust that. Well theoretically I can trust that. But boy do I fight it. Instead of allowing this magic, I struggle, I force what I think I ought to be doing, I fulfill the obligation that I committed to 3 weeks ago. Three weeks ago when I had no idea what I would, or even might, be feeling in this moment.
And each moment it fresh. It changes constantly, and new information changes the old information, and changes the changes. It is very fluid. Very feminine in fact. And requires both trust, as I have already mentioned, but also surrender.
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T his morning I woke up (like I do most mornings). The first thing I saw was a little black furry face, with yellow eyes, staring into my face. Waiting. Waiting as patiently as she can. Waiting for me to wake up. And the minute she saw that I was up, well that was invitation enough.
TIME TO PLAY!!
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I know, I know, blog posts should be unique, my own thoughts on things. And yet there are some things that are just so good that they need to be shared, and quotes and such. Mary Oliver is one of those. An amazing poet – she leaves me speechless on occasion with how much she gets the human condition and so eloquently captures it with so few words. She unleashes my mind and my heart. She makes room for me to be more in this world. What a gift she gives. And what a gift she has.
Without further ado -
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Y es it’s July 29th again, and another OTT celebration. There are times of the year that I struggle with stopping and just celebrating life, just reveling in being alive and how great that is and feeling that everyone should be as excited as I am that I am alive (I know that might be hard to believe, that I struggle with that, but alas it is true). Today is not one of those days. Today I celebrate.
It is the day of the year where I KNOW that I am precious, special, valuable, and COMPLETELY entitled to demand adoration. Even as I write it I laugh. I laugh but I don’t think of changing it, because today I really do feel that way. Today is my special day.
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M y dad is in the hospital. Will probably be there through the weekend. Makes me nervous. Edgy. Somehow it reminds me (however that is possible, since I was a small child at the time) of my grandfather’s quick demise – at this time of year. I know it was this time of year because he died on my birthday. My fifth birthday. Every year on my birthday – a day I celebrate (and make my friends celebrate) with much gusto – sometime during the day, inevitably, I remember that this is the day my grandfather died. It’s crappy. A day that is supposed to be just about me, for me, always kind of tinged, even tainted, with sadness. With the passing years, the sadness passes quicker and quicker.
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W elcome to my new site and my new blog (although know that every once in a while I may be referencing and even pilfering from my old blog).
While I TOTALLY loved my old site, and the ladies that put it together, I am excited to have this new dynamic site where I can interact with you more and interact with my own ideas more (I am after all an extrovert and need to express myself to know what I am thinking, yes?), and provide more service right here on the site. So TA DA – here it is. Please cruise around, check it out, give me feedback and/or corrections. There is new content, new offerings and the will be more to come, so keep checking back.
AND I also wanted to talk a bit about the title and the new direction. Continue Reading…
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