As part of my Brene Brown Daring Greatly Read Along book discussion group… I will be regularly blogging about what I am learning, how I am stretching, what I am experimenting with, where I am falling, how I am picking myself back up, etc. Both because it is good for me… to expose my vulnerability, but also because it supports opening up a forum (for the participants of the book discussion group, or anyone!!) for dialogue about this powerful subject… so here goes.
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Category Archives: Vulnerability
Daring Greatly Together
I have been diving into Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly! Amazing stuff, as always. And what I notice is that I want to talk about it, not just read it and listen to her wisdom from her blog “read along”, but really TALK about it. Exchange stories, look deeper at the places the effect and move me, excavate how it applies to my life – that sort of thing. But to do that I need people to do that with. That’s where YOU come in.
WANTED: people who feel the same way, who want to put together a book club of sorts where we meet by phone (if there are those of us in the same city we could meet in person and call in others if that lands more) about once a week. I think it would be very fun! We could come up with little take away assignments (what can I say, I am a coach at my core) for between the calls, blog our findings (or not, if that is not your thing), etc. Really we can design it any way we want.
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Killing me with Kindness
As part of reporting in on some homework (for Fundamentals in Vancouver early Sept) I am pleased to announce that I have gone on my dates, and, naturally, learned a lot about myself, what I do, what I feel, what holds me back, how to overcome that… and I promised to share, so here goes.
I seem to hold back on expressing my full authentic (the big, dynamic, vivacious, sexy, sensual, playful, direct, vulnerable, tender, mischievous) self for one of two reasons.
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Wanting MORE
Ok, just got some painful feedback, not that receiving it was painful, but the truth of it is painful.
This related to my last post.
I don’t want enough, either often enough or grandly enough. Or maybe “desire” is a better word. But either way I don’t put myself out enough, don’t ask for what is in my heart enough. Somewhere along the road I decided that wanting less would make me more desirable. Would make me easier (because let’s face it, I wasn’t that easy in my youth). It is one of the ways that I play small and try to chop off my toes and my heels to fit into the Cinderella shoes.
IT WAS A LIE!!! And worse than that… it was a lie that I told myself.
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Chemotherapy
Sept 6, 2001 was the day of my last round (god willing forever) of chemotherapy. It was a good day, and a hard day. By this time I was completely bald, exhausted, unable to sleep or eat. They had told me that chemotherapy was cumulative. I didn’t really understand what they meant. I mean I understood it, but I didn’t get it, how it would feel, what it would really be like in my body. And I am such a body person, that is where it really comes home for me.
So anyway, they were right, and it was hard.Read More >>>
A Time and a Place
So here’s an idea (didn’t my grandmother once say this to me?): there is a time and a place for everything. And not any time and not every place is the right one.
Authenticity is groovy and all, but there is also a reason we learned to bite our tongue, to bide our time, and to pick the right spot when we were young. Here is some of what I am noticing (and hopefully learning)…
Messy Emotions
Here I am, more than half way through August. What went wrong?
I started out the month so strong, completely committed to my path, clear focus, and with fierce follow through. Lots of prayer, meditation, meetings, absolute focus on my Higher Power, and saying what needed to be said. Not holding back, in fact using the desire to hold back as the indicator to speak up. It was working well, I was on a roll, in fact I was on fire. And we all know how much I love fire.
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Belonging vs. Fitting In
I know that all my blogs seem to be related to Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection, but I gotta tell you, it is because the book is gold!! Every page, every chapter – new magical discoveries or confirmation of what I know in my heart to be true. Why fight that, really?
And so, without further ado… the topic of fitting in vs. belonging.
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The Obstacle is the Path
I have a core wound that centres around being afraid to be Wrong. Not in the small sense of the word, like getting something wrong, or doing something wrong (I do that all the time, and it doesn’t even hurt) – but actually being Wrong, fundamentally, as a human being. A fear that I am defective, that I am never quite good enough – and that I need to work hard to try to be not wrong, or fix the wrongness in me or something equally ridiculous and unreasonable. That is the thing about core wounds, right, they aren’t rational, and can’t be reasoned away. Rather they are like ghosts that haunt us and hunt us, in our weak moments when it is harder to see the truth that we are all divine in our imperfection, including me.
Recently my Wrong Wound has been triggered. “If only I did that one thing differently, if only I did it right, then everything would work out the way I want it to.” As I said: haunted and hunted. The bright lights and fancy footwork of it gets my attention, the lie is hidden behind the big curtain, just like in the Wizard of Oz. Needless to say it has been triggered by me speaking my truth, not withholding what is there to say and being powerfully honest. As I have said before, this is not a comfortable place, which is why I am being triggered into my ouchy spots, the ones I usually try to hide from the light.
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Vulnerability Homework
Vancouver Process – here is me checking in as promised on my learning…
I have had a hard time being vulnerable. Really exposing myself, presenting all of me, all the time, being transparent. It stands out enough for me that I have started to dig deeper on this whole concept of Vulnerability. What stands in my way? Where do I hold back? Why do I hold back? What can I do about it, at a core, fundamental level, not a ‘do it for 1 week’ level?
The dark underbelly is not pretty.
But it is real, and in sharing the real I grow, and in fact I also believe that others get to grow and be inspired along with me. So here I am, bringing it to the page. Again.
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