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Welcome to the new year. A time when we are all making resolutions, or at least intentions, about how this year can and will be different. What changes we crave and what new ways of being that we imagine would make this year a brave new world.
When I read others versions I get inspired, so here is my fuel for the collective fire …
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It’s Gratitude Sunday! What are you grateful for this Sunday? Here’s my list…
To see more about what Gratitude Sunday is, check out my original blog post. If you’d like to see more of my past Gratitude Sundays, you can see Thanksgiving Gratitude Sunday, October 14th, and October 21st.
As part of reporting in on some homework (for Fundamentals in Vancouver early Sept) I am pleased to announce that I have gone on my dates, and, naturally, learned a lot about myself, what I do, what I feel, what holds me back, how to overcome that… and I promised to share, so here goes.
I seem to hold back on expressing my full authentic (the big, dynamic, vivacious, sexy, sensual, playful, direct, vulnerable, tender, mischievous) self for one of two reasons.
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Ok, just got some painful feedback, not that receiving it was painful, but the truth of it is painful.
This related to my last post.
I don’t want enough, either often enough or grandly enough. Or maybe “desire” is a better word. But either way I don’t put myself out enough, don’t ask for what is in my heart enough. Somewhere along the road I decided that wanting less would make me more desirable. Would make me easier (because let’s face it, I wasn’t that easy in my youth). It is one of the ways that I play small and try to chop off my toes and my heels to fit into the Cinderella shoes.
IT WAS A LIE!!! And worse than that… it was a lie that I told myself.
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I have a core wound that centres around being afraid to be Wrong. Not in the small sense of the word, like getting something wrong, or doing something wrong (I do that all the time, and it doesn’t even hurt) – but actually being Wrong, fundamentally, as a human being. A fear that I am defective, that I am never quite good enough – and that I need to work hard to try to be not wrong, or fix the wrongness in me or something equally ridiculous and unreasonable. That is the thing about core wounds, right, they aren’t rational, and can’t be reasoned away. Rather they are like ghosts that haunt us and hunt us, in our weak moments when it is harder to see the truth that we are all divine in our imperfection, including me.
Recently my Wrong Wound has been triggered. “If only I did that one thing differently, if only I did it right, then everything would work out the way I want it to.” As I said: haunted and hunted. The bright lights and fancy footwork of it gets my attention, the lie is hidden behind the big curtain, just like in the Wizard of Oz. Needless to say it has been triggered by me speaking my truth, not withholding what is there to say and being powerfully honest. As I have said before, this is not a comfortable place, which is why I am being triggered into my ouchy spots, the ones I usually try to hide from the light.
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I know it happens once a year and all, but still, I get very excited. Each and every year on July 29. And it never gets old, even as I get older. So yes… Today. Today. Today is my birthday!!
Celebration – I am a big fan. I don’t think we do it enough, ever. We get so busy with the “what’s next”, with the trajectory and the treadmill. We skip the moment. And we especially skip celebration. Imagine how the world would be different if we all took the time to see what was great and say so, to enjoy things as they happened and to really bask in our own joys and successes (see in my world living another year is a success)! Ahh it almost boggles the mind. And yet what a difference it would make. Picture children raised in a world like that. And by that I don’t mean our current world where they are all told they are special but treated exactly the same way, that is some kind of weird perversion that is creating a tidal wave of entitlement and assumption. I am talking about where we see what is unique and special about a person and honour it, really honour it and celebrate it.
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I am currently leading Process in Vancouver with Joni Mar, and three fabulous assistants: Mary Crayston Fulber, Catharine Chu Chang and, Kristina Katayama Bass.
As we were debriefing at the end of the day we got to chatting about pivotal moments in the coach training process for people, and Mary said – “Oh yeah, I remember my Signy moment, it was when…”, then Catharine chimed in “oh mine was when…”. It got me to thinking.
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What does vulnerability have to do with YES? Everything.
As I have been stepping more into the vulnerability – asking for what is important to me, but doing so from the place of surrender, knowing that I could get a No, even to my dreams… I am getting more yeses. Hmmm. Go figure. To me I always assumed that the more vulnerable, and exposed I was, the weaker I was and the more likely I was to get taken advantage of, treated like a doormat, and generally misused and abused. Power and strength were the only things that could keep me safe.
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