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We all have one. That flavour, that thing, that energy that is uniquely us. And it comes out everywhere, from how we brush our teeth, and how we talk to friends when they are having a bad day, to how we fall in love. It’s who we are, at our very core.
So I was delighted, about a month back or so, to get clearly connected to mine. To see it, to feel it, to fall in love with it and really understand it and me better.
My soul essence.
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I was up playing squash this morning at 7am (yes, you heard that right), and I won 3 straight games against a woman who last time we played won 4 out of 5 of our games. So what was different?
Part way through our first game I noticed that she specializes in a short game (or maybe it is a habit, but either way, that is what she was up to). My best hope for winning is a long game (where I hit the ball to the very back of the court, for those not well versed in squash lingo). I know this. But there I was playing her game. The one that she wins at. The one where she is strong. Not sure how it happened. I just adjusted myself to what she was doing, what was important to her, how she showed up. And as a result kept losing to her. Duh!
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I seem to be especially bad at Letting Go. Which is a bit of a drag, since almost every spiritual path I know values it highly, sees it at the path to… well something or other. And I want to get to… something or other.
For me letting go has always been equated with loss, and trauma, and the Bad Stuff. Maybe that is true for lots of you reading this too, and so you are say… “yes, that is what it is about”, but I believe there almost must be another way of viewing it, another perspective that allows me to see what is great about it, and therefore something to embrace and pursue.
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Off-roading. It’s nothing new. Except when you do it the way I do it. Not with Jeeps and mountain equipment, bringing along supplies just in case you get caught in the back woods, and certainly not the way Mark Taylor did it. No I am talking about an off-roading of the heart, of taking the same principles we bring to driving off of the beaten path to see what adventures lies around the corner – into all of our life, and all of those life decisions we all have to make, day after day, both big and small.
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When I stand in the perspective of It’s Time – there is a chill that runs through my body. To me it means so many things. It is a kind of a battle cry – a place to move from, to get into action and to stop making other things more important. More important than what you might ask? Well, more important than my dreams, more important than what’s important to me, and in fact more important than me. And that doesn’t work. So the procrastinating, the getting my inbox cleaned out, the worrying what others think of how I am spending my time, the doing for others, the taking care of them first – all of it. It’s time to set that aside.
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Today is my day. My cancer free day. So no, it’s not that I am declaring it International Cancer Free Day (although it does have a ring to it, doesn’t it?). But I am reminded and inspired. May 16th. It will be forever seared into my memory. I am celebrating my 12 years clean of cancer (for some reason they mark it on the day of surgery, and don’t consider all of those pesky other things like, I don’t know, chemotherapy and radiation that often follow). Pretty good hey?!
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There are days, after a long (or even very long) week of work that when I am finally done with the hustle and bustle and busy and overwhelmed that instead of collapsing into a beautiful fallow period of space with gratitude I feel achingly lonely. Lonely to the point of all I want to do is call a dozen people and see what they are up to, so that I can hang with them and not have to feel that feeling. Lonely. I even feel a bit ashamed as I write it. Feeling lonely must mean I am alone, being alone must mean that I am unworthy of having someone around me. It stops me in my tracks.
It is a sneaky insidious place for me, this lonely ache, because calling a bunch of people, and it is not like I don’t have a lot to choose from, and doing anything with anyone does not relieve the feeling. Sometimes it just makes it worse. And why might that be, you ask (or at least the coach in me hopes that you ask)?
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As the world transitioned from April to May I made a much bigger transition. I went from my last day as an employee (granted only 3 days a week) in a J-O-B to being a fully self-employed consultant/coach/life changer/magic maker. And boy it feels good. Not that it will always feel good, necessarily, and I am painfully aware of the challenges and pit falls of being self-employed (not least of which is the always hustling feeling and the loneliness), but today, on May 1st, my first day driving this new course, it feels mighty freeing.
Yesterday was a different story. I was frantic, disassociated, spacy, overwhelmed – all, as I tried to get through the mountain of pieces that I needed to close up in order to move on. Now I didn’t get them all closed up (and thank goodness I have such a fantastic – now former – employer and boss that I am able to take the time to close out properly), and some might say because of that I don’t get to fully move on, but I don’t mind the slow transition. And I can feel the change in me: change of perspective, change of focus and change of direction. This is new.
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Well here it is Monday morning and I had an accountability to another set of fantastic coaches whose workshop I just led (you know who you are, and do feel free to comment as you wish).
Speaking of which, and before I get to the homework piece – I just want to say what an honour and privilege it was to lead this workshop for 25 amazing participants who were forging a new trail. I have been working in health care for almost 5 years – and I came to the work because I wanted to make a difference in health care. After my own experiences in 2001 using the system I wanted to give back, and I wanted to improve on the great stuff and help people to work on the parts that are struggling. It didn’t work out exactly as I planned. There were systems issues I struggled with and politics and all the stuff that happens everywhere. But recently, over the last few years it has finally felt like my team is starting to get some traction, to be having an impact, and increasing positivity. YAY!
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After receiving the very hard news that my friend and client Mark Taylor died in a skiing mishap, I am still reeling, in shock at the too early loss of a Good Man.
Now I say that with intention, he was a Good Man, not always an easy man, not a simple man, but a Good Man. Working with him I so came to appreciate the difference. He demanded a higher standard, he was a stand for “going for it”, and this showed up in his coaching. He didn’t want soft and gentle feedback, he wanted the truth, straight between the eyes and he wanted to be pushed to the edge of his ability.
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Do you have an internal or external focus? Lean towards relational or strategic skills? Complete 26 situational questions and discover where your leadership falls on the Femasculine continuum, and what it means for the people you lead, and your business.