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As part of reporting in on some homework (for Fundamentals in Vancouver early Sept) I am pleased to announce that I have gone on my dates, and, naturally, learned a lot about myself, what I do, what I feel, what holds me back, how to overcome that… and I promised to share, so here goes.
I seem to hold back on expressing my full authentic (the big, dynamic, vivacious, sexy, sensual, playful, direct, vulnerable, tender, mischievous) self for one of two reasons.
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I did it! I completed my 12th Run for a Cure on Sunday, September 30.
There were so many highlights to this year’s run… including the fact that I ran it with a full head of hair (no signs of chemo on me)! Here are a few of the fun pieces:
I ‘m not that good at it. Worse in my personal life than my work life. It’s a mystery to me why this is, because I know I am a very enrolling person, in general, but for some reason I feel awkward, like I am using my powers manipulatively when I drive one of my own agendas forward.
I think I am imposing my will, convincing someone to do something they don’t want to do, and it stops me in my tracks. And while it is a good thing to not force people in one direction or another – what I am talking about here is far from forcing. I won’t even ask for what I want, won’t express an emotion if it possibly it sways someone’s decision making. I stay neutral, and not only do I not “get my way”, I don’t even let myself want it. And to make matters worse, I lock down my sassy, fun, joyful, authentic self, in my overzealous effort to control my excitement, passion and desire.
As Brene Brown says “You can’t numb selectively.”
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Sept 6, 2001 was the day of my last round (god willing forever) of chemotherapy. It was a good day, and a hard day. By this time I was completely bald, exhausted, unable to sleep or eat. They had told me that chemotherapy was cumulative. I didn’t really understand what they meant. I mean I understood it, but I didn’t get it, how it would feel, what it would really be like in my body. And I am such a body person, that is where it really comes home for me.
So anyway, they were right, and it was hard.Read More >>>
Here I am, more than half way through August. What went wrong?
I started out the month so strong, completely committed to my path, clear focus, and with fierce follow through. Lots of prayer, meditation, meetings, absolute focus on my Higher Power, and saying what needed to be said. Not holding back, in fact using the desire to hold back as the indicator to speak up. It was working well, I was on a roll, in fact I was on fire. And we all know how much I love fire.
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I know that all my blogs seem to be related to Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection, but I gotta tell you, it is because the book is gold!! Every page, every chapter – new magical discoveries or confirmation of what I know in my heart to be true. Why fight that, really?
And so, without further ado… the topic of fitting in vs. belonging.
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I have a core wound that centres around being afraid to be Wrong. Not in the small sense of the word, like getting something wrong, or doing something wrong (I do that all the time, and it doesn’t even hurt) – but actually being Wrong, fundamentally, as a human being. A fear that I am defective, that I am never quite good enough – and that I need to work hard to try to be not wrong, or fix the wrongness in me or something equally ridiculous and unreasonable. That is the thing about core wounds, right, they aren’t rational, and can’t be reasoned away. Rather they are like ghosts that haunt us and hunt us, in our weak moments when it is harder to see the truth that we are all divine in our imperfection, including me.
Recently my Wrong Wound has been triggered. “If only I did that one thing differently, if only I did it right, then everything would work out the way I want it to.” As I said: haunted and hunted. The bright lights and fancy footwork of it gets my attention, the lie is hidden behind the big curtain, just like in the Wizard of Oz. Needless to say it has been triggered by me speaking my truth, not withholding what is there to say and being powerfully honest. As I have said before, this is not a comfortable place, which is why I am being triggered into my ouchy spots, the ones I usually try to hide from the light.
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I know it happens once a year and all, but still, I get very excited. Each and every year on July 29. And it never gets old, even as I get older. So yes… Today. Today. Today is my birthday!!
Celebration – I am a big fan. I don’t think we do it enough, ever. We get so busy with the “what’s next”, with the trajectory and the treadmill. We skip the moment. And we especially skip celebration. Imagine how the world would be different if we all took the time to see what was great and say so, to enjoy things as they happened and to really bask in our own joys and successes (see in my world living another year is a success)! Ahh it almost boggles the mind. And yet what a difference it would make. Picture children raised in a world like that. And by that I don’t mean our current world where they are all told they are special but treated exactly the same way, that is some kind of weird perversion that is creating a tidal wave of entitlement and assumption. I am talking about where we see what is unique and special about a person and honour it, really honour it and celebrate it.
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I am currently leading Process in Vancouver with Joni Mar, and three fabulous assistants: Mary Crayston Fulber, Catharine Chu Chang and, Kristina Katayama Bass.
As we were debriefing at the end of the day we got to chatting about pivotal moments in the coach training process for people, and Mary said – “Oh yeah, I remember my Signy moment, it was when…”, then Catharine chimed in “oh mine was when…”. It got me to thinking.
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Well that just about says it all. But in case you need more…
This last weekend I went to the World Domination Summit, yes that is right, the World Domination Summit. Sounds more dangerous than it is (at least that is what I told the border guards) – in fact the only really dangerous thing about it is that it is about changing the world, to one of: giving back; making a difference; being our true, fully expressed, authentic selves and living full out. Which when you think about our world today might actually be considered dangerous because it really is a slap in the face of the status quo.
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